Truth is.. pt VI

Nine thirty.

I sat cross legged in the pitch black room
lit a small yellow beeswax candle
breathing the carpet dust and the smoke  quietly
while my veils and walls
and my island's  rocks slipped into the water, and my desires peeled
themselves off my skin and down into the water
i sat, breathing
until my body grew five times its size
holding the green and red  rocks in my palms and I
listened to the twelve piano preludes in their entirety
of Galina Ustvolskaya's grand opus  - she was Dimitri's
chosen student, a feminist, a gifted pianist,
a  lover of great sensuality
stubborn
volatile
vinegary, her dark eyes a sea of doubt
oh how i love her
every night
though no one would approve of this happening while they are asleep
in the next room
-nor would they ever understand     for that matter

she is my lover again tonight
I hold her hands through these twelve preludes
breathing their raw femininity in
breathing in her musky perfume with my head
down her skirt while her music plays down the hall
i listened with the intensity of a death row inmate eating his
last meal
as if at the end of the prelude's  cadence death's lethal
injection will stop my heart cold.
I  will love you.
As I have loved no one
I will love you in this unearthly way
in this room, when you ask for me
but you can never possess me outside
i am a dream
she says while the last notes escape from the piano's prison
And her truth travels through the cold steppes, down the
fjords and the vast snow deserts, galloping into my garden.

Finally
this elusive truth is clear.

I will never build a cabin in the woods for me to escape to.
It is only a fantasy.
I will never know freedom.   Freedom has secretly found me.
I will never know truth.  Truth has settled gently  on my skin on its own.
I will never have a body or a house that is mine.   I  am my own body and house.
I will never be whole.   Wholeness has possessed me without telling me.
I will never let go.   It has already let me.
I will never transform.   I am transforming perpetually.
I will never be who I really am, or worry about revealing me.    My Self is already out there, having escaped my skin painlessly, and there is no going back.